Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of so many things.

I realized Tuesday night, when the kids had gone to bed, and we were picking up, just how tired, exhausted, and stressed we both are. Jason and I were so incredibly frustrated that we were literally sternly putting dishes away and doing all but freaking the fuck out. But trying to hold our composure and not attacking each other. Because we weren’t upset with each other. Just our situation.

For starters, our house is never ending. And I’m not talking just a few baskets of clothes not getting folded and putting away. Or the dishes hanging out in the sink for an extra day. Or even the house not being picked up of the toys that are constantly on the floor.

We can’t keep up with it all. I don’t even know the last time I deep cleaned. The bathrooms are nasty. The only potty room I end up getting real clean is the main floor. And that’s because it’s so small it literally takes me 5 minutes to do. There is junk in our hallway upstairs everywhere. Things I have no clue what to do with. The dishes are always dirty. And the clothes barely even make it to the washer. If it’s lucky enough to get to the washer, it’s usually not lucky enough to make it to the drier. Therefore, no one has clean clothes.

The kitchen is a mess constantly. It doesn’t help I have piles, and piles, and piles of medical bills coming. I literally get 15 bills a month for one bill… {Now take that times 100 for the rest of the bills I have due to the twins} I can only make one payment a month anyway, why do I need 15 copies of each? We found out our insurance is rejecting everything. Just the bill for their birth alone is $250,000. That doesn’t include anything else from their 3 week and 1 day stay. We’re also getting dinged from them because we aren’t paying yet… well why do that when they can’t even tell me how much I owe? I don’t know where to send money to. And what am I supposed to do, hope they put it towards a bill correctly? But I know if I do send it in.. it’ll get cashed, and all the bill people will tell me that the check wasn’t sent to them, so I sill owe them money. No thank you.

My floors haven’t been washed in ages. My kids’ rooms are a mess, constantly. Hell, the twinnies nursery never even got decorated. Just painted. And I have boxes everywhere of clothes here, clothes there. This box is clothes too small, this box has clothes that will be used in a month. Blankets are lying around everywhere.

Kensli’s room is constantly a mess. Because she refuses to pick up… and we don’t have time to sit up there and make sure she does it. We are always tending to the twins or supper it seems.

The kids, nor I, ever get baths or showers. No joke. We have no time. Just planning supper the night before is a huge task, all the while we’re trying to get some dishes in the dishwasher and remember to actually start it and not get distracted before we push that button. There is constantly shit everywhere.

And I want so badly to decorate my house… And I don’t see it ever happening. What I wouldn’t give to walk into my house with decorations on the wall, a clean house {Hell, I’ll even just take picked up!} with my families pictures in picture frames instead of my ‘fake’ family. {AKA the people that come in the picture frame when you buy it…} But we have no extra money.We don’t even have enough to get us through the month let alone, buying decorations.

We had just enough extra money for a few fun things here and there before the twins. But now… now that I had 10 weeks off work unpaid for maternity leave and we now have a $500-$600 formula bill, that extra is gone. Beyond gone. Not kidding. We have to have special formula for them since they were preemies. It’s $18-20 a can. {This is the only kind of formula that an off brand doesn’t make} And it now lasts us 1 day plus 2 bottles the following day. You do the math. It’s damn expensive.

I would like to clean our carpet upstairs because our dogs have destroyed it. Our good friends, Eric and Mel, were so sweet to let us borrow their carpet cleaner vacuum thing…And I haven’t even had a chance to get the damn thing upstairs to get started on it.

If you look around our house, you will find hundreds of unfinished projects. Not over exaggerating here. Nothing we have started in this house is finished. Absolutely nothing.

We’ve been dealing with Broden’s mom going crazy lately. And now she has her 16 year old following in her footsteps and headed down her psycho path as well. So we’re dealing with both of them. Please tell me, how does a mom truly not care about her kids? {She’s got three different baby daddys} She only wants them to hate their dads. That’s all. She could care less about anything else. Hell, the only reason she wanted the teenager  back was so she could have a babysitter every day. Not to mention, his mom is the worst liar on this planet. There are times, literally, we walk away from her laughing. It’s so sad.

We have some fun activities coming up… and you want to know how depressing it is when you have no clothes that fit? Super shitty. And it takes away a lot of the ‘fun-ness’ of those activities. And as bad as I need and want to lose weight, I’m so tired of working out every free chance I have. I try to squeeze in at least 2 hours a day… But that never happens. Something always comes up the second I planned to work out. And most of the time it’s inevitable. I feel like working out is close to impossible. So if we can never find time for me to work out.. how the hell am I supposed to lose the weight?

And Jason’s job is just a giant stress-mess right now. He’s going in as early as 6 am, and getting home between 5 & 6 pm. Meetings in the duration of that time.  I don’t even know the details of that aside from his project {He is a project manager at a global company, which is why he has meetings at all times of the day to accommodate all time zones} is going into effect, and the implementation of the project can be a pain in the ass.

As Jason and I struggled Tuesday night to find a positive in our lives, and trying to figure out what we we’re going to do with numerous situations, I looked over at my baby girls swinging in their swing, fast asleep. Zuri was smiling.

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And I immediately got tears in my eyes. We have a lot of struggles, it’s no secret to anyone that knows us. But we have each other and we have the most beautiful children in the world. And we have the strongest babies I know. As bad as Jason and I just want to give into everything shitty, sit down, and cry our eyes out {okay, maybe that’s just me} I almost feel a little guilty. My twins fought the biggest battle there was. In fact, it wasn’t until after they were born I realized just how lucky they were. TTTS is rough on twins. And I found out, a large percentage of the babies don’t make it to the end. And that thought alone crushed me.

Zuri and Varah were so incredibly strong and never gave up. Not once. They fought with everything their tiny little bodies had. And here we were, two adults, wanting to cave in to defeat. I never thought I could be so inspired by two little people. I never thought I would look up to two human beings 25 inches long.

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Every single day, they help me fight our difficult situations and become a better person. They fought to be here, to be with the ones that absolutely adore them. We can certainly fight against a financial uphill battle or a mountain full of dirty clothes and dishes.

Kangaroo Time :)

After our pity party, I realized how much good we have. We have our family, food on the table… it maybe only eggs, but they are edible! We have family that loves us and helps out so often. We have friends that we consider family. We have a roof over our heads… that said roof needs replaced this fall… but it’s still a roof none the less. And we just paid off a credit card and my computer loan. We may not have it all looking from the outside in, but to us, we do.

So, I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry if you come over to my house and it’s a complete mess; I smell to high heaven, covered in spit up; the twinnies have milk in their neck rolls they were saving for later; and we are in no way prepared for supper that we should eat in a half hour. But we’re making it work. We’re kicking ass one battle at a time. One day at a time. One paycheck at a time.

On a lighter note, during their monthly pics last session, Zuri decided she needed to poo. And as the awesome mom I am… I snapped a pic  :)  Enjoy everyone

VZpoo

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