Hitting Rock Bottom

Have you ever hit rock bottom? And I don’t necessarily mean just in fighting obesity… it could be with anything; an addiction, a habit, a relationship, anything that tore you down?

It’s not a fun feeling. In fact I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The realization of that rock bottom takes over, consumes you, brings on panic attacks, and breaks you down. To be honest, looking up is completely overwhelming. To see the light at the end of the tunnel seems so impossible, but when you’re sitting at the bottom, hugging your knees, trying to find your breath between your tears, you have no other choice but to stand up & begin the journey towards that light.

It’s an experience alright. And one I pray you never have to go through. But if you do, know you aren’t alone. So many people have had to hit rock bottom before they’re forced to find an escape. And that escape is a process.

My rock bottom? Was this past Saturday night. It was the first night since my birthday back in February, that we didn’t have any small people with us. Broden was at his mom’s, and the girls were with my parents. And we finally had a night to ourselves. And I couldn’t have been more excited for it. It was such a sigh of relief to have him all to myself.

I had dropped off the kidlets and by the time I got home, it was time to shower. We decided date night was Texas Road House {we had a gift card}, and there is no such thing as getting there early on a Saturday. So I hopped in the shower, and once I got out, I realized, for the first time, our towels weren’t wrapping completely around me. Not even close.

Oh well. I knew I gained weight. It wasn’t a surprise really.

But then it was time to get dressed. During the week I work at my in-home daycare… nice clothes aren’t required. I’m up and down all the time, running around, chasing and lifting little squirts all day long.

So it’s rare when I do get to dress up. And Saturday, my date night with my hubby was the first one in a long time. I knew my jeans were getting tight. Like really tight. But Saturday for some reason, it was especially hard to get those suckers on. I really wanted to blame it from still being damp, ya know the feeling: trying to put clothes on when you’re not completely dry from your shower can seriously be a daunting task. But I knew that wasn’t the real reason.

I finally got my jeans on… and it wasn’t pretty.

Next up was tops. I tried on most of the shirts in my closet. And nothing. Not one. single. shirt. fit. How does that even happen? And clearly… I had to find something… I can’t exactly walk out in public top less. So.. I just settled on something. Knowing damn well how awful it looked.

In the duration of the time, Jason was in the shower. And once I finally settled on something, I moved into the bathroom to start my hair. And it was taking all the strength I had to not start bawling. Jason was done showering, got dressed, and instantly knew something was wrong.

He tried to talk to me, he tried to get me to tell him what was clearly bothering me, but there was nothing to say. What was there to say? How on earth was that conversation supposed to go? I was hiding my tears while blow drying my hair and trying to control my quivering lip. I am obese. And there was no hiding from it anymore.  There was no more turning my head from the obvious.

I do not have one piece of clothing that fits. Not sweats, not underwear, no shirts, pants, absolutely nothing in my closet fits me.

Now typically, when one complains they don’t have any clothes to wear… everyone knows they are completely over exaggerating. You know they really have their closet full of clothes, their spare room’s closet full, and totes beyond your wildest dreams that are not longer in style as of last month.

I, however, am not exaggerating. My maternity clothes don’t even fit. And I think that’s what made the realization hit as hard as it did. I was pregnant with twins, in addition to four gallons of extra fluid, yet, the preggo clothes fit then, and now they don’t.

It’s just down right embarrassing. It’s an awful feeling.

As I finished getting ready, I continued on with my pity party. I cried. Had a few panic attacks. I sat and thought, & pondered how the hell I let myself get here. I remembered my totes I have in storage of all the clothes that I use to wear. My skinny clothes as I call them & I refuse to get rid of. I will wear them again. What’s the point in getting rid of them now anyway… they are 10 years old… completely out of style. But once I’m that small again, I won’t even care! Hell, I’m 30 with a small herd of children. I make my own damn style. I’ll just be excited because it’ll feel like a whole new wardrobe!

And that’s when the hardest part of my rock bottom hit, while I was wallowing in my own self pity, I manage to realize I have almost 100 lbs to lose. Just wrap your head around that. 100 lbs. 100 fucking pounds. I have never… ever… once imagined being able to get this big. Yet, that day I never thought I would see, is here. Que: my last panic attack for that day.

Then I decided it was time to buck up. This 100 pounds doesn’t define who I am. The person I am is hiding inside just dying to be released. This 100 pounds isn’t permanent. Just because it’s here now, doesn’t mean it’s here to stay. I can change this. It’s a giant climb out from the rock bottom, but it’s possible.

And I’m going to fucking do it.

Writing my last post, it hit me like a ton of bricks just what my first hurdle would be: doing this weight loss journey for me. Sure I said I wanted to lose weight in the past, who doesn’t? But I never wanted it for me. In fact, I always had a work out buddy. Which is great, don’t get me wrong. I highly suggest having one if it fits your needs. But make sure you aren’t using your work out buddy as a crutch. Last summer I worked out with my cousin, Beth, a lot. We rode bikes before work, sometimes hit the gym, worked out in my basement a couple times.

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But every morning, I hoped and prayed she would cancel. I would listen for that text to come through and cringe just a little bit when it never came. But when it did? I would lay back, close my eyes, go back to sleep, and completely forget about the fact I was missing my workout. I would use my workout buddy as my reason for working out at all and also my excuse as to why I missed it. I never thought twice. If they canceled, I canceled.

I could have easily gotten up anyway and went for that bike ride. But didn’t. Because my crutch wasn’t there to ‘help me’.

I didn’t need help. I didn’t need a workout buddy to make me exercise. I needed me to want it. And I just didn’t want it bad enough. Because I hadn’t hit rock bottom.

This week, Kosoma started a 3 week free trial, and while at one the Campbell’s famous BBQ’s, my cousin Brett’s, girlfriend, Emily {are you following me?} told me about this free 3 week trial and asked if I would be interested in joining her. Knowing about my previous night, I just went with it. I was scared out of my mind if I am being honest. I heard Kosoma was tough. And I’m not in shape enough to be tough. But what did I have to lose? Besides weight? :)

Day 1: sucked balls. In fact, getting into my Yukon about made me topple over and fall to the ground. I could barley lift my arms to the steering wheel and switching my foot from the gas peddle to the brake and back to the gas… was almost impossible.

But almost impossible, almost fell, and barley lifting my arms? It wasn’t “I couldn’t”. It wasn’t “I couldn’t get into my Yukon” or “couldn’t lift my foot for the gas and brake peddle.” Which meant I couldn’t be as weak as I originally thought I was.

So I went for round two Tuesday night. And it hurt just as bad as night one. But I once again, walked out of there, got into my vehicle, and made it home. Without collapsing.

But on day three, my first giant hurdle was tested… because Emily couldn’t go to Kosoma last night. And for the first time in a super long time I didn’t even hesitate. I knew for a fact, I was going regardless. Because I was doing this for me.

And what made me feel even better? When I got home, my husband looked me in the eye and said “I am so proud of you. I know how bad you are hurting, and I know what the old you would have done when you received Emily’s message. And you went anyway. You’ve been talking about this for a long time & it’s time to just do it.” I have realized I am not using her to get my workouts in. I am just fully enjoying her as an actual workout buddy. What a work out buddy should be.

This is for real. I’m doing this. I may hurt for a long time. And I may have to fall down on the toilet because my legs can’t let me down easy… but I’m doing this. For me. And that statement is such a breath of fresh air. Which means I’m one giant hurdle up from that rock bottom.

Kicking Fat’s Ass is Back

Hey folks! How was your weekend? Mine was awesome. Full of family. Seriously.. I feel bad for all of you who don’t get to experience my family. They are amazing and all of them know how to have a good time. I come by my party’in skills honestly :)

We had my Grandma Heaberlin’s birthday party at my house on Friday, and my entire mom’s side came. Saturday, my cousins, Jess and Brett came over with their boyfriend/girlfriend, Nate and Emily. Seriously… that was the most fun I had in a looong time. I can always count on them to have a good time. We all laughed and laughed… told jokes, played games, bullshitted, it was awesome. And just what I needed. I don’t get to see them often enough. {Maybe that’s a good thing~ I tend to be worthless the day following hanging out with them} We got some good pictures of Jess, but I’m highly doubting she wants them on here :) But I laughed for a good 5 minutes while browsing them.

Sunday was a lot of recovering from Saturday and then my Grandpa Campbell’s birthday party at their house. {Seriously.. I think I can hang with the youngsters until I have to recover… then I realize I am definitely closer to age 30 than 21. Definitely.} So we got to see most everyone from my dad’s side Sunday.

Kensli and I had fun in the sprinkler. And by we, I mean she, and I sat on a lawn chair and watched. Like I said, there wasn’t much action for me on Sunday… But I had a lot of fun watching her! I love how she entertains herself and can use her imagination when she’s playing alone. Especially outside. She can really get creative!

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Anyways.

Well, I am excited to announce that Kicking Fat’s Ass is back! Time to lose my excess baggage that I received from being pregnant with the twins. How a woman’s body can stretch and stretch to accommodate a tiny human, or humans, is amazing… but damaging. Especially in my case. I had two human beings and 4 gallons of fluid in there… let me tell you. That can F a mama’s body up!

Last day before the Twinners arrive!

Seriously.. look at that!!! I look at that now and I’m in shock. It was normal for me at the time and I didn’t think much of it. But now… now, looking at this picture, I just shake my head in disbelief.

And all of that had to go somewhere… and it just hangs out. Seriously it’s gross. So it’s time. It’s time to kick some fat’s ass!!

I literally have been waiting for this for awhile! I am so excited to start fitting into my clothes again. I have a bridesmaid dress to also fit into {which I’m soooo close, but just not quite there} Brett, my cuz I mentioned earlier, is this giant workout buff dude, so he’s helping me with my goals and workouts.

My first goal… my first goal is…. drumroll please…

19 lbs by the end of this month.  I wanted it a short enough period that I would have to work hard to get to my goal, but long enough to still be possible.

How am I going to get there? Well. That’s a good question.

First plan of attack, I will be riding my bike in the morning, 3 or 4 days a week. The twins get up about 5 or so, and it takes about an hour to feed them. So, I thought, after they are done eating, I could go for a 45 minute bike ride {childless} before the  day & daycare starts. Jason and I alternate nights on who gets up to feed them, so literally, every other day, I will be out in the morning.

I also got P90x from Brett that I’m going to do during nap time on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I’m starting with the 30 minute video. I don’t know if you know this, but my life is filled with kids, 24/7… squeezing in a half hour will be hard enough, let alone the hour version of P90x! But give me time folks, give me time.

My second goal & exercise is the dreaded treadmill. I honestly hate it, but, I thought if I had a goal for running, it would help me get somewhere. I really want to run a 5k in my life. Actually run, ya know, like, not walk any of it?! And then move up from there.  I want to enjoy running, and I think I just need to feel some sort of accomplishment with it. So on my off days with the bike, I’ll be doing the Couch to 5k training. It may sound like a really novice exercise… but this is for someone who has never been able to run the mile! I know… I know. It’s sad. I wasn’t lying when I said I was never a runner. But maybe this will change that. I have to start somewhere.

{Anyone else watch NFL highlights on ESPN while running and pretend you’re the star in the clip to gain adrenaline and intensity? No… just me… okay.}

Brett also gave me a shoulder, legs, chest, and arm workout a few years ago that I will need to squeeze in some how. I am probably going to have to do it just after daycare ends. Once Jason is home to help with our kids that is. I need to fit the weights in. That’s my favorite anyway! I feel so tough lifting my 20 lb weight… haha! {I see you macho men rolling your eyeballs}

I also have a punching bag and a giant tire I plan on flipping. I need to come up with an actual schedule. Not sure how I’m going to fit all that in, but it is going to happen.

I know that’s an extreme amount of gear and exercise listed… but extreme situations call for extreme measures.

Seriously.. I’m an extreme situation. I’m done with this excess weight once and for all. Now that we are done having babies, I don’t have to worry about doing this all over again. Everyone keeps telling me “you just had twins and 4 gallons of extra fluid, you have an excuse” Which maybe the case, but do you know how hard it is to look in the mirror? That excuse doesn’t make it any easier to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes {even though I was extremely over weight before I got preggo}. I just need to change.

The other part I struggle with is food. I am not one who can eat the same thing over and over. Which I know many can… I cannot. I literally get to a point I can’t even chew the food up. It’s weird. So, if you have any great, SIMPLE, healthy meals, fill me in! Especially crock pot meals; those are easy to throw everything in during daycare and forget about.

If you think you have a great recipe, please leave it in the comments below! I would love to try it out!!  Just remember, I do not have hours to spend on a meal. I get off at 5:30, and usually have to feed the twins about that time, so by the time that’s done, it’s 6:30, and then I can start supper, unless Jason got home earlier and can get it started. But he’s been getting home later and later. So, as you can see, time is not on our side.

I’m going to need support. This is going to be so difficult. I’m going to have hard times, and plateaus, and not-so-proud moments. But I’m done throwing in the towel and giving up. This is the beginning of a new me. The start of something awesome! I just have to keep at it.

Anyone else have weight loss goals for this summer? Or any at all? Come on and join me from looking like this:

The tummy flap... Wanna tummy flap fight?

To This:

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Haha! :)totally got this.

Toodle-o’s and Loves!

Happy Memorial Day!

I hope you had a great Memorial Day Weekend. Ours was filled with relaxation, friends, and fam.

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But I hope you didn’t forget that Memorial Day Weekend isn’t about getting sloshed and your backyard BBQ’s.

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It’s about the men and women who have and still do serve for the United States Armed Forces. For those who gave their lives for our freedom. For those who gave up everything. It’s a day to respect their bravery and sacrifice for the nation.

It was originally called Decoration Day after the Civil War. Then, later the name was changed from Decoration Day to Memorial Day. Just a tad bit of American history for you :)

Please take some time out of your busy day to remember and think of all of them. And think about them often. It doesn’t just have to be during the dedicated holiday. :)

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

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{Not sure why this didn’t post yesterday… like it was supposed to… so I apologize it’s a day late!}

 

Word to Ya Motha

Good afternoon my fellow peeps! Did you all have a fantastic Mother’s Day? I hope you made a Mom feel fabulous on their one day of the year!

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Because really, we mothers are as super as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And that’s no lie.

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While driving to and from places yesterday, I was thinking about all the different types of moms out there. How some hearts are so full they could burst and some are broken hearted for numerous reasons.

And all of them should be celebrated. The ‘Mom’ title is a hard one to uphold. There is no vacation time, you don’t get to call in sick because the weekend came too soon, and it’s 168 hours a week. Moms aren’t always thanked, often not appreciated for their hard work, get a lot of sas from their little ‘bosses’, and quite frankly tend to be the negative nancy when a bad idea is debuting.

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But the love we give and receive is true and unconditional. To hold your child for the first time, when their little hand wraps around your index finger, to see your child smile at you, when they run up and give you the biggest hug and kiss when you walk in the door, to hear the words “I love you mommy” makes it all worth it.

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It is the most selfless job on this planet and is also the most rewarding. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

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So whether you are a mom to children you birthed, to someone else’s children, to angels, to future children, to our four legged friends, or to children you are praying God blesses you with, Happy Mother’s Day.

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I must say.. aside from my children’s mom, I have the best mommy ever. She has always been there for me, always. She helps with my kids and loves them as I do. She is always a phone call away and I trust her with all my little secrets! She makes my kids feel like they are her whole world because they are. She helps in anyway she can. She is the most self-less woman I have ever met. Always thinking of everyone else. And if I could afford to buy her her convertible Ford Mustang that she has always secretly wanted, I would. Someday mom… someday. And that would never come close to everything you have ever done for me and my family.

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Mom, we need updated pictures!

My Mother’s Day was exhausting… but only because Jason was gone the entire week before in the Netherlands for work, so I had 4 children to myself, trying to keep all of us alive, while not burning down the house was a huge task in itself. He got back Saturday night about 11-ish, so come Sunday, we were all exhausted. But it was still a great day!!

Saturday, my cousin and myself had the kiddos make their grandma’s and Broden’s mom these cute little plants! I kinda wanted to buy one for myself… but I didn’t. Kensli of course loved playing in the dirt, so she’s all about this gardening thing. Which is good, because we want to build a salsa garden and a daycare flower garden.

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Mother’s Day started with Broden getting picked up by his sister to go see his mom for the day and we got the 3 girls bathed and ready.

The first big event was Kensli dropped her first F bomb. Jason wasn’t moving fast enough to open the back door so she could go out and play. And finally, she calmly said “Dad. Please. Go. Open. The. F***in. Door.” Oh boy. Jason and I couldn’t look at each other because if we would have, we would have died laughing… but I thought we did well surpressing the laughter. I did let him correct her. But amongst all this crazy talk, I did note two things: A) She did say please and B) She even used it correctly. I can see how her teenage years are going to be already…

We started out the events by heading to my mother in laws for the afternoon. It is always a nice and relaxing time when we visit there. Have a few beers, Kensli plays with her grandparents, Jason and I bullshit with his dad, and it’s a good time had by all. Kensli even talked Grandma into taking a nap with her. Although no nap was really had, she thought it was cool Grandma was pretending with her! I’m telling you, I lucked out big time when it comes to the in-laws!

We then headed home to get Broden back and took off in the other direction to my cousins Jess and Brett’s place for our awesome family BBQs.   We all brought our own meat and Jess’s boyfriend, Nate, and Uncle Scott grilled and Brett made the most fabulous margaritas… or maybe it was the giant 1″ diameter straw they gave me to drink it with that helped it go down so quickly? Thank goodness my husband was there to drive me home!

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The twinnies were passed around and loved by all, while Kensli and Broden played soccer with Brett {really, Kensli was trying to have a full conversation with Brett and give him kisses while the boys played… It was interesting to watch!} and laid in the hammock.

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At one point, Kensli hopped off rather quickly which sent Broden flying off in the other direction. I about died… it was so funny! Thankfully, Broden thought it was pretty funny as well!

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Our day finished with a tornado warning. The kids were in bed and my phone alarm went off and then seconds later, the big tornado siren went off in town. I hung out outside for a little while because I didn’t want to have to wake up the kids if I didn’t have to. And at first, I thought ‘Well this is silly.’ There was no wind, no huge clouds, no nothing. Just a lightening storm over yonder.

However, 2 minutes after I said that, the wind picked up. Big time. My trees were bending over and it was hard to keep my balance {or maybe that was the margs?}.

Regardless, I decided then it was time to head for the basement.

I went and got Broden and Kensli up, which by the way, waking kids who were dead asleep… almost impossible. But can be done.

I got them downstairs, and came back up to get the twinnies. Laid them in their carseats with a blanket and went downstairs to drop them off. They were getting hungry, so I quickly went upstairs to make two bottles. Ha… good thing the tornado didn’t touch down right then. I would have had hungry babies stuck in a basement!!!

When those were finally done, I came back down only to find Kensli was not down there. She snuck back upstairs to go back to bed. Child! Does she not know the severity of this wind! Jiminy Crickets girlfriend! Ran back upstairs to the main floor, and then to the up upstairs to get her. Ran back down… Let me tell you, I was not in shape enough for all those stairs in that short period of time.

But as you can tell, there was no tornado, and we were all safe and sound. The kids were clearly concerned… as they fell asleep on the loft downstairs. They had found a pillow and a blanket and hit the hay.

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Aren’t they so precious?

Well, that was my day in a nutshell! I hope yours was as fabulous as mine. Did you end your day in a basement?

Hopefully you had a nice comfy bed in the basement!

Loves and toodle-os!

 

A Great Ending, to a Great Week

Last week, my mom took off work to come stay with me during the day and help out where needed. And where I needed the most help was deep cleaning my house and reorganizing certain things.  It was hard for me to keep the place clean with 3 girls, one of which is a walking tornado, and so deep cleaning is almost impossible when I was starting with an extremely dirty slate.

So each day, we picked a room or two and got started. Even Kensli helped when she could. {And even when she couldn’t.} That room got revamped! Everything got put in it’s place, random things found homes, windows got squeaky clean, and carpets got vacuumed.

We literally took every room by storm. And then it was Broden’s rooms turn. I wish I would have gotten before pictures. It was a disaster. We did not want to work on it nor had motivation to clean it, but knew out of the entire house, that was the room that needed it the most.

We first went through every piece of clothing in that boys room. We got rid of almost 50% of his clothes because they were too small, and some so big it’ll be years before he fits into them. His drawers wouldn’t close before.. and worse, he just shoved every top he owned into the same two drawers, so he had no clue what he had in there, because he only wore the top few shirts anyway. It was too much work to dig through the rest.

We started by sorting out all clothes by sizes, and winter or summer clothes. Everything that was smaller than his current size he’s wearing, got tossed to the donate pile. All tops that fit got hung up into two sections. Short sleeves and long sleeves. All bottoms, pjs, and socks/undies went in his dresser. Separated by shorts, jeans, pjs, and of course, socks and undies.

We figured that made it super easy for a 10 year old boy. Tops = hung up in closet. Bottoms = dresser.

After that, we hit his toys. There was so much junk. He’s not one to use his imagination, so therefore, action figures and anything that requires an imagination doesn’t get played with. Put all those in a pile. All those stupid McDonald happy meal toys got tossed. Anything broken or missing pieces went straight to the garbage.

Everything left found a home somewhere other than the floor in that room. We finished by making his bed with fresh clean sheets, and vacuuming the floor.

It’s a completely different room. When he got home from school that day, we sat him down, explained where everything went, clothes included, and explained there is no reason this can’t stay this way, every day. His excuse before was he had no where to put it, or he wasn’t done playing with his legos and didn’t want to move the almost finished project, or he was ‘charging’ his video game system… but forgot to plug it into the wall… nice try Mr.

No more. His lego container is pretty big and can hold all his finished lego projects at once. So I explained those can still all be put away, even if he’s not done. The ‘charging’ video game must be put away before he goes anywhere or goes to bed that night. Clean clothes must be put away correctly as soon as he gets home from school, or when I’m done doing laundry.

His room looks nice damn it, and it’s going to stay that way. We worked on it for almost a full day.

Anyway. We got the entire house done by Thursday afternoon and decided since it had been so gloomy out all week, and Kensli had been so wonderful all week, that we would take her to The Playground on Friday. No, not the park playground. But a bouncy house playground. She loves it. And it’s literally a place they can burn energy for as many hours as the parents want to stay there.

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We worked so hard all week that we just wanted one day to relax and let Kensli have fun. So The Playground was our first trip. Kensli had a blast! As do all kids. It’s great! You should really look into it! Kinda pricey, but worth it considering they are worn out in 1-2 hours!

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Varah

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Zuri

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We then went to Applebees to enjoy a sit down meal that wasn’t fast food, because I can’t eat that crap anymore!! I am so sick of that stuff! All of them!

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We gave baths to the twinnies just before we left, so they were out like a light the entire time we were gone! Awesome-sauce!

Friday was ended with our cousins Travis and Beth coming over, BBQ’in and having a bonfire! It was so relaxing! And what BBQ and bonfire isn’t complete without drinks?

Saturday we kept pretty low. Jason left for the Netherlands today, so we wanted to hang out with our giant family and relax. We walked to the park and it was so much fun watching her. And we had the playground to ourselves, which was kind of nice.

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To get her home we said we were going to eat lunch on the deck outside like a picnic! She was on board with that!

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Then she helped dad do some outside work which of course she had a blast with. She tried hand picking all the weeks herself… but that lasted a whoopin’ 30 seconds.

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She followed him around as he picked up the dog poo. And her favorite was mowing the lawn. She loves riding the mower. Which is good, I’m sure it’ll be her job one day!

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We ended the day with super with his family at the Machine Shed. Which is usually pretty awesome for us. However, last night we got there at 7:20 and left at almost 10… it was pretty bad. And for a 3 year old… that’s a long time. She was pretty restless by the time we left. Everything took forever… from getting seated to drinks, to leaving. But at least the food was good?

This following week is going to be pretty bitter sweet. As I said earlier, Jason left for the Netherlands today, and won’t get back until next Saturday. But that means shits getting done around here. I always plan for a surprise home project for him while he’s away. But you’ll have to wait until next weekend to see… just incase he decides to take a peek on here before he returns! I also am revealing Kensli’s room Part 2 this week! It’s going to be awesome!

In case you don’t follow me on Facebook, here is the sneak peek to her reveal!

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