Stop, and Smell the Roses


Oh, today…

It was a rough one. My patience and sanity was tested time and time again. Running a daycare in your home really can push all your buttons at once, and multiple times a day, and today was one of those days.

But one of the worst things about running an in-home daycare, is I do not get to leave my work at work, and come home to my family at 5:30 and not worry about a damn thing until 7 the next morning. Some kids leave… however, my kids stay. And the frustration that has lingered all day, stays. I do not get a break from my ‘work’. In fact, there are weeks at a time, that I do not get away from Kensli except at night while we are all sleeping. Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to stay home with my children, but sometimes, I feel working outside the home is what most parents need to keep their sanity.

And since I have started staying home a little over a year ago, I have noticed Kensli gets a little nervous when she thinks she does something wrong. Or flinches when she has to walk by me after getting in trouble in fear I will bend over and spank her when she isn’t looking. But lately, it has been far worse. The instant fear when she thinks she’s in trouble. It breaks my heart. And deep down, I know I am too harsh on her. For crying out loud, she is only 3. What 3 year old do you know that is perfect? Ya, me neither.

But not only her, my whole family has suffered. Mostly since I have been pregnant, as just about anything can set me off (I never had these emotional breakdowns when I was pregnant with Kensli, but then again,  pregnancy with twins is completely different, and I was at a different point in my life). But my anger has always been an issue I fought. I get so caught up in everything around me that I forget that I’m not paying attention to what matters most to me. I get so busy with things around the house, or cleaning, technology or my phone, that when I’m interrupted because my daughter fell and hurt her knee… I instantly hear a voice in my head already screaming. That voice that helps build my anxiety about the mess that she just made, or the fact that Broden didn’t clean up his room after the 5th time I have asked.

It’s sad really. I run, run, run with everything else that I forget to stop and smell the roses.

I have that voice inside me telling me how I don’t have time to soothe my daughters knee because this laundry needs folded, the dishes needs cleaned, the upstairs is a mess, don’t get me started on the bathrooms, and the dining room isn’t going to clean itself! And already with frustration in my voice, I so rudely ask “Are you fine.? You’re fine. Shake it off.” So she does. She knows to move on.

And the more I think about this, the more my heart aches. Life is so precious.  That life that Jason and I created is so precious. How am I letting her be a 3 year old little girl if I won’t even acknowledge anything but negativity? That doesn’t help her grow, or want to try knew things…

I have spoken with my bestie Kelley about my anger numerous times, and how I am so frustrated with myself for letting my anger get to me, or letting that stupid little voice take over that in turns makes me angry in the blink of an eye. (Jason calls ‘her’ She-ra). And today, Kelley posted a link from Hands Free Mama on her Facebook page. And that entire post is exactly me. To a T. I couldn’t write it better myself. And after having a god-awful morning, I decided to read this because I was curious as to who the bully was. I was a bawling mess… but a quiet one. I didn’t dare wake up any sleeping child today. And for so long I have had a heavy heart about how I behave with my family, but couldn’t quite put a finger on it… until today.  This post opened my eyes wide and I can’t believe it has taken me so long to figure out. I am the bully in my family. I hear so much hatred and anger in my head and all I do is pass it on to the three most important people in my life. They can tell before I do what days they have to walk on egg shells around here.

After reading the post… I am determined to be a different person. I know what is causing me to be this person that no one enjoys being around a good portion of the time. So it would make me just a plain evil person to know what needs fixing and continue life as is. So I’m not. Kensli woke up from her nap and we had a little chit chat. I told her how sorry I was for everything. I told her no more yelling and no more mean mommy. I explained it wasn’t fair for me to bully everyone, and literally, I poured my heart out… to a 3 year old. She was confused. But she did understand no more mean mommy. We had a talk about her behavior (I think she has learned too many things from me the past 2 or 3 months) and explained that we need to talk through our anger. If she’s mad at something she needs to talk to mommy or daddy. Not hit, or yell, or throw things at people. She also understood that. It was a wonderful heart to heart. In fact, I walked away smiling for the first time that day… with a real smile. And the remainder of the day, she did wonderful, as did I. Neither one of us yelled, and she didn’t yell at her friends. She didn’t have the melt down, dramatic temper tantrums because someone was playing with one of her toys. Once in awhile, I had to remind her “Remember what we talked about today?  We need to talk about our anger and not yell.” And she would proceed to tell me she was angry because…. It couldn’t have been a better ending to a pretty terrible day.

So like in that post from Hands Free Momma, I have decided to stop the anger in my head. If I feel something building, I just need to tell myself stop. Let Kensli make a mess experimenting something new. Let Broden be a typical 9 year old boy who loves video games. I’m sure I’ll make mistakes along the way, no one is perfect, myself included. And I don’t know how to completely make this 180 change, but I’m starting with STOP.  

So I will leave you with that. Stop. And smell those roses.

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