Children are like Sharks in Blood Infested Water

The title of this post may sound confusing, but if you are a parent of any kind… I know you know what I’m talking about.

Let me tell you a story. I have a weakness for Reese’s. I’m not much of a candy or dessert person, but oooooh those Reese’s… they get me every time. A week or so ago, during daycare, I found one in my kiddos’s Halloween Candy bucket {don’t judge me. You know you do it too.}, so I snuck it into the front pocket of my sweatshirt to save for a later time. I can’t eat it in front of them because then I would have to explain how I am the only one to get one, they don’t get candy right now, blah, blah, blah. None of which would make much sense to a 2 to 4 year old.

So while they were watching something on tv, I snuck into the laundry room to open my peanut butter milk chocolatey snack… waiting to be devoured by me. And suddenly I hear 8 little feet running towards the laundry room.

“MOM! What are you doing?!”

“Marissa!! Where are you?!”

“ISSA! Ah you?!”

So before I could even tear the wrapper, I was shoving it back into my sweatshirt.

5 minutes later… They had just headed down the stairs to the playroom. Perfect time. Brought out my Reese’s and was in the process of ripping the plastic and the basement door swings open.

“MOM!!! I bumped my head!!”

Followed by another tiny person. “I fell on my bottom!”

Okay, okay… shoved the dumb thing back in. But took a mental note it had to be eaten soon, because the wrapper was now ripped open.

A few moments later, they were back downstairs. Okay good. They should be fine for a few minutes.

I hurried up and took it out and started working at where the rip was. I could see the chocolate and my mouth was watering. I could already taste it as I chewed the edge first… then I eat the….

“MOM!! I am soooo thirsty!”

“Me too. I’m thirsty too.”

“Me too! Me too!”

What? I didn’t even hear the basement door open! I must have seriously been daydreaming about this damn Reese’s.

They decided they wanted to watch tv again. Fine… no biggie. But I’m going to the bathroom this time. Wahahaha.

I don’t even need to go. I just put the lid down and sit down. By this point, the chocolate has melted just enough it’s starting to get on my finger tips.  I finally got the Reese’s out of the wrapper. I’m looking for the brown wrapper that cups the Reese’s when the bathroom door flys open, hitting me square on the knee bone.

While I’m holding my breath, hunched over because clearly squeezing your knee and breathing in and out helps the pain go away… I use my other hand to put that damn treat back into my sweatshirt. AGAIN!

“Mom, what are you doing in here? Why are your pants on? Why are you just sitting on the toilet?”

Eh. The curiosity of a 4 year old. So.. I make my way back to the living room. I’ll just get to this damn thing later. At this point, I’m just contemplating eating it in front of them. And making them watch me eat the gloriousness they call Reese’s. But I’m not. I’m nice…. and  decide to wait it out.

I sit down on the couch and my daughter jumps into my lap. Landing directly onto the reese’s in my sweatshirt pocket. Then proceeds to wiggle all over… And I just close my eyes. I just picture my amazing treat smushed into a tiny billion pieces in my sweatshirt… what it really looks like at it’s present state.

That’s it. I head to the bathroom and LOCK IT! Take that all you tiny people! Try to get to me now!!!

I pull out my poor, poor, pitiful snack. And it is smushed. And let me tell you something. Since I can remember, I eat my Reese’s a certain way. Every time. I nibble off the zig zag edge. If there is only one Reese’s, I usually eat it from there. But if there are two, then I use my teeth to peel off the chocolate top. It usually comes off in a little sheet. Repeat the process for the second one. Then I put the two peanut butter sides together… so it’s like a milk chocolate and peanut butter sandwich. Like a double cheeseburger.

Well… when it’s smushed flat, there’s no removing that zig zag edge…. or peeling off the top chocolate layer. Or no double cheeseburger.

I just, instead, placed the peanut butter pancake in my mouth.. and ate it as a whole. It was a strange… strange feeling.

Now do you know what I mean? Literally, they are like sharks that got that sense of blood somewhere in the water. And then go crazy. And that blood, my tipsy friends, was my Reese’s.

They also turn into sharks when I’m trying to read a book and have a half hour to myself. When I”m trying to take a nice warm bath.

And another blood moment? When I’m trying to eat. I will get my food gathered, get my drink ready, my silverware all set up. And as soon as I pick up my fork to stab a piece of food… one of the twins cry. And I hate eating while listening to them whine or cry. I like to eat in peace and enjoy my food. This is why I normally don’t get breakfast and lunch while running a daycare. I mean. I don’t want to eat anyway… right?

Every time Jason and I have a few minutes to smooch, Moose instantly pushes his 150 lb body in-between us while someone pulls at our shirts because they need something. It’s seriously a group effort around here.

When you’re going to the bathroom and you hear a loud crash. You know the kind. The kind that just does not sound good… no matter how hard you try to imagine it was just a stuffed animal?

I can almost guarantee when I think I have a few minutes to myself, I either hear “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! I NEED YOU TO WIPE MY BUTT!” or they come running like bats outta hell.

But that’s just one of the many joys of children. Can you wait for the stories when my twins are walking…? OH, Lord help me and may the alcohol be plentiful.

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