Archives for May 2015

Hitting Rock Bottom

Have you ever hit rock bottom? And I don’t necessarily mean just in fighting obesity… it could be with anything; an addiction, a habit, a relationship, anything that tore you down?

It’s not a fun feeling. In fact I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The realization of that rock bottom takes over, consumes you, brings on panic attacks, and breaks you down. To be honest, looking up is completely overwhelming. To see the light at the end of the tunnel seems so impossible, but when you’re sitting at the bottom, hugging your knees, trying to find your breath between your tears, you have no other choice but to stand up & begin the journey towards that light.

It’s an experience alright. And one I pray you never have to go through. But if you do, know you aren’t alone. So many people have had to hit rock bottom before they’re forced to find an escape. And that escape is a process.

My rock bottom? Was this past Saturday night. It was the first night since my birthday back in February, that we didn’t have any small people with us. Broden was at his mom’s, and the girls were with my parents. And we finally had a night to ourselves. And I couldn’t have been more excited for it. It was such a sigh of relief to have him all to myself.

I had dropped off the kidlets and by the time I got home, it was time to shower. We decided date night was Texas Road House {we had a gift card}, and there is no such thing as getting there early on a Saturday. So I hopped in the shower, and once I got out, I realized, for the first time, our towels weren’t wrapping completely around me. Not even close.

Oh well. I knew I gained weight. It wasn’t a surprise really.

But then it was time to get dressed. During the week I work at my in-home daycare… nice clothes aren’t required. I’m up and down all the time, running around, chasing and lifting little squirts all day long.

So it’s rare when I do get to dress up. And Saturday, my date night with my hubby was the first one in a long time. I knew my jeans were getting tight. Like really tight. But Saturday for some reason, it was especially hard to get those suckers on. I really wanted to blame it from still being damp, ya know the feeling: trying to put clothes on when you’re not completely dry from your shower can seriously be a daunting task. But I knew that wasn’t the real reason.

I finally got my jeans on… and it wasn’t pretty.

Next up was tops. I tried on most of the shirts in my closet. And nothing. Not one. single. shirt. fit. How does that even happen? And clearly… I had to find something… I can’t exactly walk out in public top less. So.. I just settled on something. Knowing damn well how awful it looked.

In the duration of the time, Jason was in the shower. And once I finally settled on something, I moved into the bathroom to start my hair. And it was taking all the strength I had to not start bawling. Jason was done showering, got dressed, and instantly knew something was wrong.

He tried to talk to me, he tried to get me to tell him what was clearly bothering me, but there was nothing to say. What was there to say? How on earth was that conversation supposed to go? I was hiding my tears while blow drying my hair and trying to control my quivering lip. I am obese. And there was no hiding from it anymore.  There was no more turning my head from the obvious.

I do not have one piece of clothing that fits. Not sweats, not underwear, no shirts, pants, absolutely nothing in my closet fits me.

Now typically, when one complains they don’t have any clothes to wear… everyone knows they are completely over exaggerating. You know they really have their closet full of clothes, their spare room’s closet full, and totes beyond your wildest dreams that are not longer in style as of last month.

I, however, am not exaggerating. My maternity clothes don’t even fit. And I think that’s what made the realization hit as hard as it did. I was pregnant with twins, in addition to four gallons of extra fluid, yet, the preggo clothes fit then, and now they don’t.

It’s just down right embarrassing. It’s an awful feeling.

As I finished getting ready, I continued on with my pity party. I cried. Had a few panic attacks. I sat and thought, & pondered how the hell I let myself get here. I remembered my totes I have in storage of all the clothes that I use to wear. My skinny clothes as I call them & I refuse to get rid of. I will wear them again. What’s the point in getting rid of them now anyway… they are 10 years old… completely out of style. But once I’m that small again, I won’t even care! Hell, I’m 30 with a small herd of children. I make my own damn style. I’ll just be excited because it’ll feel like a whole new wardrobe!

And that’s when the hardest part of my rock bottom hit, while I was wallowing in my own self pity, I manage to realize I have almost 100 lbs to lose. Just wrap your head around that. 100 lbs. 100 fucking pounds. I have never… ever… once imagined being able to get this big. Yet, that day I never thought I would see, is here. Que: my last panic attack for that day.

Then I decided it was time to buck up. This 100 pounds doesn’t define who I am. The person I am is hiding inside just dying to be released. This 100 pounds isn’t permanent. Just because it’s here now, doesn’t mean it’s here to stay. I can change this. It’s a giant climb out from the rock bottom, but it’s possible.

And I’m going to fucking do it.

Writing my last post, it hit me like a ton of bricks just what my first hurdle would be: doing this weight loss journey for me. Sure I said I wanted to lose weight in the past, who doesn’t? But I never wanted it for me. In fact, I always had a work out buddy. Which is great, don’t get me wrong. I highly suggest having one if it fits your needs. But make sure you aren’t using your work out buddy as a crutch. Last summer I worked out with my cousin, Beth, a lot. We rode bikes before work, sometimes hit the gym, worked out in my basement a couple times.

flipping tire

But every morning, I hoped and prayed she would cancel. I would listen for that text to come through and cringe just a little bit when it never came. But when it did? I would lay back, close my eyes, go back to sleep, and completely forget about the fact I was missing my workout. I would use my workout buddy as my reason for working out at all and also my excuse as to why I missed it. I never thought twice. If they canceled, I canceled.

I could have easily gotten up anyway and went for that bike ride. But didn’t. Because my crutch wasn’t there to ‘help me’.

I didn’t need help. I didn’t need a workout buddy to make me exercise. I needed me to want it. And I just didn’t want it bad enough. Because I hadn’t hit rock bottom.

This week, Kosoma started a 3 week free trial, and while at one the Campbell’s famous BBQ’s, my cousin Brett’s, girlfriend, Emily {are you following me?} told me about this free 3 week trial and asked if I would be interested in joining her. Knowing about my previous night, I just went with it. I was scared out of my mind if I am being honest. I heard Kosoma was tough. And I’m not in shape enough to be tough. But what did I have to lose? Besides weight? :)

Day 1: sucked balls. In fact, getting into my Yukon about made me topple over and fall to the ground. I could barley lift my arms to the steering wheel and switching my foot from the gas peddle to the brake and back to the gas… was almost impossible.

But almost impossible, almost fell, and barley lifting my arms? It wasn’t “I couldn’t”. It wasn’t “I couldn’t get into my Yukon” or “couldn’t lift my foot for the gas and brake peddle.” Which meant I couldn’t be as weak as I originally thought I was.

So I went for round two Tuesday night. And it hurt just as bad as night one. But I once again, walked out of there, got into my vehicle, and made it home. Without collapsing.

But on day three, my first giant hurdle was tested… because Emily couldn’t go to Kosoma last night. And for the first time in a super long time I didn’t even hesitate. I knew for a fact, I was going regardless. Because I was doing this for me.

And what made me feel even better? When I got home, my husband looked me in the eye and said “I am so proud of you. I know how bad you are hurting, and I know what the old you would have done when you received Emily’s message. And you went anyway. You’ve been talking about this for a long time & it’s time to just do it.” I have realized I am not using her to get my workouts in. I am just fully enjoying her as an actual workout buddy. What a work out buddy should be.

This is for real. I’m doing this. I may hurt for a long time. And I may have to fall down on the toilet because my legs can’t let me down easy… but I’m doing this. For me. And that statement is such a breath of fresh air. Which means I’m one giant hurdle up from that rock bottom.

The New Me

Part of my New Year’s Resolution goals was to lose this weight once and for all. To not start over again & instead to continue on with my journey, even if I fail a day or two here and there.

I hate how this weight is literally keeping me down… in more ways than one. It’s depressing and you can’t run from it. Or run at all. It changes your relationships with people, the ones you truly love. Even though, you know they will love you regardless of what you look like… it’s hard to be the same confident person you were just years ago.. it changes things, your perspective on things, your outlook on life. And things that were so fun before and a constant in my life, are no longer. Take for example something as simple as taking pictures.

I used to love being in pictures… now my heart drops whenever a phone is brought out for a ‘selfie’. I always hate how I look, how I ruin the picture.

I also feel like everyone is always judging me. I watch everyone’s eyes… it is now a habit, and as soon as their eyes detour from my face to anywhere else on my body, I just know what they are thinking. And it could possibly be they are just zoning out and that’s where their eyes just happen to land. But regardless of the intentions or what they are thinking, that’s what I think. Every. Single. Time.

And please raise your glass and take a drink with me if you have that friend who always tells you how fat they are yet they are half the size of your leg? Maybe they don’t realize how that makes you feel… maybe they don’t realize you’d do anything to look like them… the ever-so-fat person they think they are? It’s down right hurtful. I hear it constantly from tons of people… some people I don’t know, some that I do. 90% of the time they are just fishing for compliments. And I don’t give them any. And maybe the other 10% have as bad as self esteem issues as I do. But either way, there’s a way to go about it to not make the actual ‘fat’ person feel so low about themselves.

 

IMG_7420

I am tired of hearing everyone’s opinion how I should eat. Of those who have claimed to know it all, non are even a licensed dietitian. Everyone has a different opinion and they all think that’s how I will lose the weight. Although, some of these crash diets aren’t doing their body justice like they think it is… but who I am to tell anyone that? If they have found what works for their body, then great! Kudos to you! But please, don’t tell me that’s exactly how I should eat as well. I have read enough trainers’ blogs, books, and even had a personal trainer myself to have a guideline of how to eat. If all the professionals have used the same eating tactics for decades upon decades… it must have some truth behind it & work. I know my body needs all the food groups… and I personally don’t think starving your body of one or more of those groups is the answer. But that’s my personal opinion, in which everyone is entitled to their own. So for me, I know what to do… and it doesn’t seem too difficult. I just need to plan and prep for the week. Something I really need to work on. The quote “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail” couldn’t be more true in the weight loss regimen. And that’s changing for me now.

I knew back in my younger years that I was not like most girls my age when it comes to my weight. I remember very distinctly going back-to-school shopping in junior high… 7th or 8th grade. I was so ecstatic, after all, I was getting new clothes to wear for the following new school year. Of course, we go straight for the juniors section in the department store. There were so many clothes that I instantly fell in love with. I was grabbing all the mediums of all the cutest styles. While walking to the dressing room, I was trying to determine how I was going to narrow my search down to just three outfits! However, once in the dressing room.. I discovered every single one of those shirts were skin tight. So I asked my mom to go get me all larges, having a slight panic attack. She came back with the larger shirts and much to my dismay, they were all, still, too tight. I didn’t even attempt the next size up. I was in junior high… I didn’t want the XL’s. As I took the clothes back to the racks, I took a mental note looking for any XL’s in those tops… just in case the rest of our trip had this similar outcome. And there weren’t any. And the rest of my trip went exactly like that. I ended up with my three new outfits, and while I liked them, none of them were my first, second, third, or even fourth choice.

It wasn’t fair, I wasn’t eating crap all the time. I was still active between dance, softball, and volleyball. So why me? I remember feeling like I was already bigger than all the other girls because I swear I was a foot taller than them all. Walking next to girls in the hall who were short, petite, skinny and cute, made me feel like an Amazon woman, hovering over all of them, like an elephant stampeding it’s way thru a herd of deer.

In addition to that, I couldn’t even fit into my normal size clothing. I was never a size 0… or even a size 6. But I was happy with where I was. Going two sizes up was a hard one to swallow. Emotions are already a crazy whirl-wind at that age and there’s so much pressure to be liked and to fit in. And yet, I felt like the black sheep, all because I was taller and bigger than everyone. And I was only in Junior High.

Once I got to my freshman year, I did lose the weight & I didn’t even have to try. I was much more active between dance, drill team, pitching practice, and softball practices. And I got back to my normal size and even lost a little more… but in the back of my mind I knew I was going to fight this weight as soon as I became inactive… or even just not as active as I was then. I knew it would be a constant battle eventually in my life. And unfortunately, I was right. But that doesn’t define me.

I am so ready for a chance. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to love being outside and active. I’m ready to want to go for a random bike ride with my offspring. I’m ready to take my family to the pool or on a boat ride.

I want to be an active parent. I want my children to grow up knowing it’s normal to be active. And not sit around and watch TV. So as my first picture said, this is the last time I start for the first time. It’s now or never.

Let’s be honest. I’m not getting any younger here. My skin’s elasticity is diminishing fast if it wasn’t already destroyed by the giant twin belly I had. It’s time to do this now. If I wait another decade like I did in my 20’s… I’m going to be 40, the twins will be 11, Kensli 14, Broden 21 & I am going to be so insanely busy by this point. I need to be fit within a year or two and I need to do this now.

So it’s time. And I have to do more work this time around. I gained all that I previously lost, plus some. Plus a lot really. But these goals are going to become a reality. There are so many reasons I want to be fit. Not just skinny. But fit. The way I look and feel isn’t who I am. This isn’t me.

I’m starting this up again for the last time and I am going to be strict. My posts maybe boring as this is going to be my live journal. Feel free to skim.

But I’m going to do this like I did previously. But just for the sake of making this simple {and not making you click through this blog} , I’ll repeat the rules in this post.

I’m baring it all again. For the sake of accountability. And maybe if you are in the same spot as me, a little inspiration. I’m going to do this. You can do.

Start 220# 210# 200# 190# 180# 170# 160# 150# 140#
L Bicep
R Bicep
Boobs
Under Boobs
Belly Button
Hips
L Thigh
R Thigh

May 4th ~ my starting weight is 230 lb. I’ll take some pictures tonight, take my measurements, and update this post afterwards.

August 4th ~ 1st Quarter Weigh In:                   {Goal: 199. Down 31 lbs}

November 4th ~ 2nd Quarter Weigh In:           {Tentative Goal: 174. Down 25 lbs}

February 4th ~ 3rd Quarter Weigh In:              {Tentative Goal: 159. Down 15 lbs}

May 4th~ Final Weigh in:                                    {Tentative Goal: 140-150 lbs! Down 9-19 lbs}

I plan on taking a picture after every 10 lbs lost.  I’ll take a front facing and side facing picture. When I take a picture, I’ll also add to the above table. I’ll create a new post with updated info in the table with all pictures for comparison.

My official weigh in dates is as listed above with my tentative goals. But I will also weigh in every other Saturday morning.

My biggest difference this time is how I’m going about it. I read Chris Powell’s Choose to Lose and I am going to try to follow his advice.

In a giant nutshell, this is what he preaches.

Each day you eat 5 meals. 6 am, 9 am, noon, 3 pm, & 6 pm. {You can choose what hours you want to make your meals.}
Monday, Wed, & Fridays are low carb days. Your first meal of the day is a protein and a carb. The rest of your meals consist of a protein and fat. You also must do one of the given Shaper Exercises which are resistance-exercise circuits. Shapers are after high-carb days, when your muscles are fueled up and ready for max performance.
Tuesday, Thursday, & Saturdays are high carb days. Every meal is one protein and one fat.
Every meal should have veggies shoved in there also.
Sunday is a free day with no ‘diets’ or workouts.
He also wants you doing certain Shredder Exercies {These burn the fat}Monday through Saturday and prefers you to split them during your day because you burn twice as much even though you’re exercising for the same amount of time. The more you shred, the more body fat you burn. The more time one dedicate’s to shredding, the faster the weight-loss goal is reached.
So look at this post as my first Weight Loss journal entry. I’ll post again at this week to show you where I’m at.
Who’s joining me in this journey? Who has a little bit of weight to lose? Or maybe a lot like me? Or are you just wanting to get healthy or toned? Either way, let’s do this!